Sunday, November 30, 2008

S-E-X-Y

!AlyssaMilano


I woke up crying in my sleep. Grr @ I hate when that happens... I try to be strong, but my body always seems to come to my defense, even if it is only through a few tears...

I am embarrassed about spilling my guts out yesterday. What was I thinking when I thought that Mother had finally changed?!! The only time I remember her actually being happy about the way I looked was when I had a short haircut like a boy and I was wearing a size zero. Having my hair cut that short was not by choice... it was because of a bad haircut that had to be re-cut.... Being a size zero was also not by choice... It was because I was in a bad car accident and was not able to eat anything but liquids...

In Mother's eyes, I am and will always be nada, because: (1) I am not a boy and (2) I am no longer a size zero... It wouldn't matter to her if I had a million degrees on my wall or if I was friends with Sister Teresa. The only thing that is important to her is appearance, which is ironic, because she doesn't want me to look sexy and she doesn't want me to have a nice place to live. She hates it that I have boobs and that I live in an apartment with electricity and running water inside. Makes me want to get out of this humble apartment where nothing works and move into the best possible apartment I can afford! That would REALLY shock her! LOL...


I know I am the one to blame, because I don't want to look like a boy and I don't want to be a size zero... That is where the conflict lies... Oh, I could snap back with all sorts of words and things that I have kept my mouth shut about just to boomerang the hurt, but really, what point is there in that?!# Telling someone they are fat is just as ridiculous as telling them that they are short or skinny or that they have a big nose. No one knows our imperfections better than we do, so what makes some people feel that it is their duty to tell us we are not perfect. Do they think we are dead or blind or so out of touch with reality that we cannot see our own faults?

Like Marilyn Monroe, no one ever told me that I was pretty when I was a little girl, and no boyfriend or husband ever told me that, either, but that never stopped me from wanting to make something of myself. I am sorry that will never be enough for her. Her never ending cruelty may hurt, but I know that in a couple of days, I will snap out of it, because the survivor inside of me will NOT allow her to break me...

The moon is waxing...

There are more important things to think about...

* I will not get paid until December 15. I will have to make a hot check to pay my rent this month. I have never made a hot check before... Will it cause me problems to stay in my apartment until I get paid???! I must trust God to provide a roof over my head.

* Because of distance, I have to gas up every other day to get to and from work. I am happy that the price of gasoline continues to go down. I must trust God to provide my car with gas to be able to get to work every day.

* I have not been able to find a thermos to take something warm to eat to work, but that may be because I don't have the money to buy it right now. God knows what I need before I even ask. I will trust in Him to provide lunch. LOL

* I have eight cases so far, and those families are dependent on me to help them. This week, I hope to learn as much as I can about my job so that I do not have to depend on the knowledge of the other girls to get my job done.

* I was hired, because my bosses believe that I will be able to do this job. That means that there should be no doubt in my head that I will pass probation. God opened this door of opportunity for me. I must trust that what God has opened for me cannot be closed by a mere human being.

XX

P.S... Grrr @ computer problems right now... unable to visit your journals... will keep trying while I am trapped in the wash cycle...

12 comments:

Remo said...

Beauty is what beauty feels. I'm glad you realize your Mom's perceptions don't have to be your realities. Thanks for the pic of Ms. Milano LOL

LYN said...

beauty is only skin deep..you are beautiful insdie and out...

Lynne said...

Someone once shared with me when I shared that I had a weight problem, that looks will take you where you want to go, but its your personality that will keep you there. It is one truism from a ghost friend that I kept close to heart, lol. Sometimes, Mom's really bungle and it comes out criticisms when its really fear. Fear for their childrens' health, fear they will turn out like them. From your picture, I think you're beautiful, and from your writings and support also beautiful inside. God Bless!

Dannelle said...

I'm going back to read the previous post but I want you to know that there is nothing wrong wanting to look your best (why would any mom want their girl to be a boy and a skinny one at that!) love and hugs, Dannelle

Rose said...

I agree with Lynne, sometimes Moms say things out of fear for their child's health. I can attest to that.

You are a beautiful woman and you have to try and stop beating yourself up verbally every day.

You have to learn to love yourself. You are so special.

Your job will go well......you have to have confidence in yourself. I have confidence in you.

Hugs, Rose

Chris/cacklinrosie101 said...

Wini, I do believe your mother has severe problems mentally. Nobody in their right mind talks or behaves that way. You are a beautiful person. She will probably never see that. Her Loss. I'm glad you didn't retort. You are a far better person than your mother will ever be. And as many have said here on their blogs, you don't need to be around toxic family members. It's not selfish to stay away from them. Love you!

Indigo said...

I've found whenever someone insults me, it's because they are lacking in their own lives. I remind them of something they don't like about themselves. I think it's that way for your mother too, she won't change who she is, so she wants to change who you are.

My own mother beat me with her beliefs until there was nothing left of me, even then it wasn't good enough.

A good friend told me recently, who said family had to be blood. Your a sister to me dear one and I truly detest your mother for what she is doing to you. You deserve so much more. (Hugs)Indigo

Miss Slick One said...

I agree with the first section of your blog where you practically answered your own problem: you need to live your life the way you want.
Let her call her friends for rides and insults.
No longer live for her. Live for you, and for God. Period.
Yes, we are to respect our elders, but elders aren't always right and God knows that.
Live for you, go live FREE.
Quickly.
I'll be praying.

Mike said...

Being strong is having feelings and accepting them. Not crying is like telling a little boy not to cry, it only causes problems. Expecting your mom to change is a big one. As you probably already know the only one you can change is you.

It's Just Me ~ Katie! said...

I for one like you just the way you are - you have a heart of gold. If you like YOU than that's all that matters. Changing ones life to fit anothers needs only makes for two miserable beings. Take care of you my friend and remember You are the best you, you know to be!
Katie

Melissa said...

i dont know why some ppl like to point out your flaws, maybe it makes them feel better or something, who knows

MISSY said...

Your mother does not know that she is missing out. What a shame to not enjoy your children! I think she will see what she has done one day, I know she will.

I'm glad you were hired on at your job. Keep working hard Winivere, you are getting there! *M*