Letter to My Readers

Deeply apolgetic for falling off the ends of the Earth! Thank you so much for checking up on me and for sending huggies and sloppy kisses all over my face!

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Those of you who know my tragic past know that I could have lived my life consumed in my own self pity, but ever since that night when I was but five years old, sitting on the roof, looking at the stars and asking God to take my life, I have had that Spirit rooted deep within my soul that won't allow me to give up on myself.

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My life might have been happier if I had chosen to play stupid... accepting Mother's ideas that only boys are special because they carry the seed... accepting that education is a waste of time for a woman, because women were only made for cleaning, cooking, and bearing children... accepting that minority women have less of a chance at being successful in a career... accepting men's quests to make you but another notch on their belt... accepting men's infidelity... accepting cruel words that cut at your bleeding heart like a dirty knife without anesthesia... Yes, my life might have been easier if I had chosen to just accept things as they came, but smart girls know that there is no real happiness in pretending to be something you're not... People who know me know that I am a fighter. I am a warrior... always fighting to dig myself out of my own problems, always striving to better myself... all by myself... because people have always let me down in my expectations of them, no matter how simple those expectations were.

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So now I wake up at 5:00 a.m. to get ready for work, eat breakfast, and to pack a lunch. I say 5:00, but I am usually up before the alarm goes off. I eat breakfast at about 6:00 a.m. I have to be out the door by 7:00 a.m. to drive to work; otherwise, I will not make it to work by 8:00 a.m. I don't get to eat lunch until 12:00 p.m., which means there is a six hour wait until my stomach sees any food. I leave work at 5:00 p.m., but I don't get home until 6:00 p.m., which means that my stomach has been forced to accept food every six hours instead of every four, which is a big change for me... And sometimes, I have to do something after work, which will set my tummy a rammbling for food and loud screams of "Feed Me!"... When I get home, I am so sleepy that I usually fall asleep before my regularly scheduled bedtime, so I apologize that I have not been able to make as many tags or entries as I would like. I am praying to pass probation so that I can consider moving closer to work. The extra sleep and less driving will help a lot.

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I share an office with two other women who are probably half my age. The lead worker has a hearty laugh, but her moods are always changing. She is sharp, but she cannot spell. I will call her Spelling Bee. The other worker has been married for less than a year. She is more mellow and she learns things quickly, but she loves to spend money foolishly and she tries to bake. I will call her Betty Crocker.

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The other girls who are part of their click have Master degrees in Social Work but they have no licenses. I can't believe they have waited so long to take their test to get their license. If I had my Masters degree, I would have gotten my license straight away! I have more experience than both of them put together, but I don't have a Masters degree in Social Work and I don't have a license. One of them, I have already introduced as Skinny Girl. She is the skinniest girl in the whole agency. The other girl has never dieted in her life. She loves Eiffel Towers, so I will call her Frenchy.

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My immediate boss is also in their click. He goes out to eat with them often. He likes to fish, as evidenced through pictures of his children and himself with catches of the day. He bakes cookies but I think he is more of a cook. He has a lazy eye or a glass eye. I don't know for sure what kind of eye it is except that it bulges out and moves slower than the other eye. The other eye seems normal. It rolls around and goes back and forth more naturally. I think I will call him The Eye, because after all, he does keep an eye out for the agency through our work.

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My favorites are the M&Ms Girls. I call them that because their first names begin with the letter M. One of them is the secretary to the main boss. The other is the supervisor of the girls with the Masters degrees. They appreciate my sense of humor and use me as their stress relief. LOL ...

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The receptionist is also my friend. She just kind of clung to me since day 1. She has been married for about 13 years but she cannot drive. Her husband has not worked in a long time. She likes for him to stay home cleaning house and cooking for her, which I think is wrong, because I believe that a couple should help lift each other up. She always wears her daughter's sparkly headbands. I will call her Ms Tiara.

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Over the teachers' break, I bonded with the teachers aides and also with the medical staff, and then, there is Hammer Guy who is good eye candy. LOL... The girls in my office don't even know their names. I think that is funny, because they have been at the facility longer than I have, but as I said, they stay within their own little click. I have only bonded with two of the direct care workers but that's because we recently got some guy workers.

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So that is my life now... for the past two months anyway. I still have until February 17 to see if I pass probation. I know I am capable of becoming a good case manager, but there is so much to remember and so much to learn. I cannot say that I am confident in my work yet. I had been without work for so long that I often feel as if the rug is going to be pulled out from under me... I hope that I will be able to stay at this job, because I like what I am doing, but the girls have not been very helpful in training me...

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Still, I have to say that one very important factor that has helped me through all this unemployed year has been my online friends. Who would have thought that finding friends through my blog would have changed my life? I never dreamed of finding true friendship in strangers whom I have never met. This kind of emotional support, cyber hugs, and cyber sloppy kisses are what I should have received when I was growing up a child. It is sad that there are so many parents in the world who don't know their children even though they live surrounded by the same four walls they dare to call a home.

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Like everybody else, I have my good days and my bad days... and lately my hair has known more bad days than good days... but it's always good to know that when I open up my blog, I can always find words of support typed from the fingers of strangers whom I now dare to call friends... These are the readers of my blog... These are people whom I have never met, and yet, they know me better than the people I have actually met... These are the people who keep me in their prayers... These are the people who make my days brighter with their words of encouragement and support... These are my angels...

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Words can never express how grateful I am for you to allow me to be a part of your life. Words can never express how grateful I am to have you be a part of my life. Now, it's as if for the first time in my life, I am not alone. Now, it feels as if everywhere I go, I carry a little piece of each and every one of you... my faithful readers, my angels... for you truly are angels who lift me up when my wings have forgotten how to fly.

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